Note to Self
Let life happen to you and live it all. Face up to the fact that some things do not work out - that’s it. Accept it. The universe doesn’t work itself out. We are difficult creatures, and we are difficult to each other. Life is difficult. Accept that. See that the difficult is not always negative but a soil for growth where beauty can stem from disaster. Only the weakest people rot in the soil attempting to project their own difficulty onto others. I have never understood people who use their own misery to make others miserable. When presented with the choice to diffuse kindness and joy why on earth would one diffuse hatred and wickedness. What a genuinely pitiable waste of energy. False accusations are the new snakes of Eden; falsity seeks to ruin and collapse all because when you conjure untruthful narratives you also dissolve any notion of the real. Hyperreality - see Baudrillard. There’s a whole literary movement designated to truth and subjectivity. Make your subjectivity a good one. Weak people accuse others in order to wreak havoc in the external world because their own internal state is chaotically dissolving into blackness. Perhaps learn to be at peace with yourself rather than starting fires with those around you. You’ll only burn yourself to the ground in the end and that would be unnecessary. Life is about bridges not forest fires - learn that as early as you can for fire is used by those who have no structures of soul worth saving in themselves.
Have some accountability for yourself. Be ready to say: ‘I didn’t do that so well’ or ‘that wasn’t so kind’ or ‘that just wasn’t right for me’. Be able to accept your faults rather than finding fault in others. Ego is a horrible little thing that results in the most childish behaviour. Ego makes you say: ‘I’m a victim and always a victim, I am never wrong because I can’t be wrong’. It choruses in your mind saying, ‘blame others because it’s easier, everyone else is always wrong but not I’. How utterly and entirely absurd. I think at that point I have no wiser words than ‘grow up’ - I don’t say that pejoratively but I mean the more you deny your wrongdoings the more you stunt your perspective. I say ‘grow up’ but maybe I mean ‘grow out’ an eye for the world that sees more than just yourself. Be receptive and sensitive. If you are in pain, you are not the only one. There is so much agony in the world and everyday everyone will probably have a little pain lurking within them. If you believe you are the only one suffering, then you are an illusionist.
Always be kind but don’t let your kindness become a gateway for weaker souls trying to villainise you. Too often the silliest people get angry at kindness because they are jealous of the effect it has. People get jealous of a lot of things when they themselves are discontent. As for jealousy, I think perhaps it is the basest but the most common emotion because we live in a world that always tells us we can have more. Accept that there are some things you can have and some things you can’t and then work for the things you want without cursing the world when you don’t get them. That would be petulant, and petulancy gets you about as far as trying to float across a lake on a boulder. You’ll end up drowning. As for drowning, when you feel like you are, just breathe and remember all those things in your life that you can use to keep afloat. They are there, use them. You have a lot of people to keep you afloat, a lot of goodness that you’ve worked for and so use that when you need it. It is always easier to want more. It is always easier to begin rumours, to circulate falsity and to bathe in the realm of the surface. Take a second and think before you say things - just a second will help. Bathe in the depths of soul rather than the artifice - it is far more rewarding. Love deeply because when you are old and grey it will always be better to say: ‘I have loved so much and so strongly’ rather than ‘I have been bitter and reckless and wrong’. It’s so simple really, all this living. Keep your principles, hold your strength when those around you do all they can to undo it. If you have your morals and your goodness you are armoured against many nasty forces. If you can honestly say to yourself ‘I have been good’, ‘I have done all I can’ and ‘I have been as kind as I can’ then you are rich with the best currency of the world and that is peace. To have peace within oneself and with the world is perhaps the only thing we should ever work towards.
Wrote this to these delightful little songs which just make me think of the goodness, gentility and kindness we are all capable of. The little piano melody in 'two queens in a king sized bed' is so beautiful, makes me smile and think of love and all the goodness of a genuine one. Basically just wrote this a while ago as a small framework to live by because sometimes we need a little guide to check in on ourselves a bit. It has been handy and makes me smile because I know if I try to adhere to this I will generally live a full and wonderful life.
'I'm watching and I'm looking and I'm feeling ..... and I know that it won't last forever but I'm alright, I'm alright, I'm alright' - nice sentiment to live by.